The Calling Of Mothers
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 at 08:54PM J.P., our oldest child, has not lived at home since he was a freshman in college, and there has been a void in our home every day since then. I used to cry a lot--especially at first---and then I learned ways to lure him back home, usually with food. Works well, I must say, for many reasons, not the least of which is that mealtimes are great times to hear about his life, his plans, his good and bad days. It used to surprise me, some of the things he would tell us. And sometimes it would be very hard for me just to listen...not speak, or help, or editorialize. Just listen. Goes against everything I know. (One day when I get to heaven I am going to ask God why He gave mothers this vast--sometimes gut-wrenching love for our children...this instinct to protect at all costs--even to death, if need be; this intuition about our children, even "sixth sense", if you will--where we just know..we just know. This miracle called maternal instinct. Strongest and most powerful force on the planet....And then, He asks us to give them back to Him, to let them go...to trust Him completely with their lives. Just let go.) Maybe it's Eve's fault...I don't know. But I am definitely going to ask.
Anyway, as we sat together last night, my son and I, and he talked and talked about his life, and his plans--(great things!)--and even gave me a tiny peek into his vulnerable side--his doubts, even..I found myself torn between wanting to throw the doors open on the world and push him out there---free to grab it all--be it all--do it all. Content to sit at the kitchen table and wait for his return--some new word on what he has done or accomplished. (Content to cook food as incentive for his visits...) Just as excited as he was about it all. And then there was the other part of me who wanted a list of all the people in the world that he will ever come in contact with or work for who might have the slightest effect on his life---all of them--and write them all a letter and tell them that this was my son, my precious, wonderful amazing son, and you had better never, ever hurt him, or disappoint him, or let him down. Don't mess with Mama Bear. I will eat you for lunch.
But of course, I just listened. And prayed. Dear God, please forgive me for what we didn't teach him, for the mistakes we made. Please help him to use and remember what good we did do. To use it for good. Just make Him the man you would have Him to be. Help us to let go and let him be that.
And so I was thinking about Mary this morning. And I have questions that literally burn inside of me.. Did she have talks with Jesus like this? Did he come home, and eat dinner, and kick back and talk to her about his life? What could He have said? Did He tell her about His ministry? Did He let her see inside of Him--(is that possible?)--enough to know that although fully God, He was fully man--and He was tired, and hurt? That His heart was broken so often He couldn't count? That people just took, and took, and took from Him, and no one ever, ever gave back? Did he tell her how they disappointed Him over, and over, and over?
And what would she have said? Could she even bear to listen to it? And then, did she ever dare talk about His future? It had to be there, in front of them, all the time. Did they ever really discuss His ministry--hard, and painful...often going without food..persecuted..sought after...even used. But no diploma waiting at the end of it all. No high-paying job offer or position. The world would not understand Him. He would be despised...Did she fight with all that was in her to tell him to stay away from these people...to run away? Did she struggle, at times, even knowing what He came to do---who He really was--to just take him away, and hide? Did she wake up screaming at night...knowing the ending to the story?..
Did they talk about that? (I can't even write about it). Because I am writing from a mother's point of view. Knowing your child---your young man---was God. Born to die, to save us all. Destined to do the one thing--the only thing--that will truly save the world.
Knowing, inside of her, from the moment that He was born...that He did not belong to her any more or any less than to any one else. The Savior of the world. The Most High God. He is that--whether she let Him go to be that, or not. He is God. The letting go was inside of her own heart. So Mary could only watch. And hide her tears. Because a mother never wants her child to know that she is afraid. Even, I suppose, if you are the earthly mother of One...who knows your every hurt, your every thought, even before you do..
And so, I think that if Mary can let go, I know, in my heart, that God is not asking anything of me. Rather, He's given me, and all mothers, a gift from that same well of strength. Some of us, like the ones who have to send their children off to war, or who have to watch as their child struggles with an illness or an infirmity--He gives a gracious plenty from this well. Enough. His grace is sufficient, I know this.
Motherhood will break your heart. It will make you tired, and anxious, and leave you drained. It will make you feel guilty. It will cause you to do and say things that you never thought you had the strength for--(and you probably didn't)--but you do them anyway. It will put your life in a perspective that is different from women who aren't mothers. It's a thankless, endless, exhausting exercise in self-denial. A daily dying to self.
And it is, without question, the greatest joy, the most priceless gift, the highest calling--that any woman can have. It is truly a miracle.
I am amazed, and forever grateful to you, God, for entrusting me with these precious boys. Help me to remember to seek your will, and your strength--(yes, Lord, LOTS of strength) each and every day, so that they will truly be the young men that you intended for them to be. That one day, when we stand before you in heaven, that you will say to us all, "Well done..good and faithful servants..."
And forgive me. God, as a mother...
I have lots of questions for you when I get there...
Reader Comments (5)
The Calling of Mothers....Karen your writing here speaks directly to my heart. I have one son, I had one son...a beautiful blue eyed baby boy with angel hair the color of a newly minted copper penny. He was the delight of my heart the sunshine in my world...never a moments trouble, always a joy...as he ended his teen years, a darkness began to take hold...he would later be diagnosed with clinical depression....a restlessness developed, yet he read The Word looking for peace and an answer that medications could never provide. He was then described as a "high functioning Manic Depressive." He would work in the field of medicine and be successful...he would travel from coast to coast always hoping to find a place to settle...he would remain cheerful, charitable and solid on the outside...he would become adept at keeping the darkness away from us who loved him most. Quietly, in 2009, he would lay out a plan...in a beautifully crafted letter he would describe his feeling of despair, pain and inability to continue life as it was for him...two gunshots would take him from this life to one of eternal peace in the arms of his Savior. As his Momma, I've a million questions and have no answers....my only peace comes from having grabbed hold of the hem of My Lord's pristine robe...hanging on with a grip that will not let go until I meet Him "Face to Face." In telling Seth's story, I have hope that it will in some way help someone else to "hang on, do not let go." Vicki
Vicki, I have read your words over and over, and I am beyond words. I know that there really aren't any. I cannot begin to imagine this. I know that God has brought you through it, just as He brought Seth into His loving arms, finally, truly at peace. I feel so very close to your son, as if I knew him. What a wonderful and brave young man. My heart is just broken and yet I know that he is free, and completely happy at last- forever!! It is you who is feeling this unimaginable loss. Praise God this old world is just a blink of an eye. This was not Seth's home, and it isn't yours. You will hold your son again. I just pray for your strength, comfort and peace that only He can give until you are reunited forever.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. What a beautiful tribute to your son. It broke my heart, and yet greatly blessed and reminded me that even in our darkest hour, He is there. Sometimes we just have to grab His robe and hold on, as you so beautifully said. I hope that you will continue to tell your story. So many will be blessed by your words. God is speaking so clearly through you. I pray God's richest blessings on you, and that you will feel His mighty power and endless love. I am so thankful and honored to call you my friend and sister in Christ.
Dear Karen, Sister in Christ, I so appreciate your thoughtful words and expressions of Christ-like courage. You write so beautifully of a steadfast faith...somehow I feel it is this Faith Firmly felt deep in our hearts which has made us FB friends...maybe you have been brought into my life to share our Faith in written words which encourage me. If you have a spare moment, I would be so honored to have you read one of my stories about Seth. It is found in my photos, "The Gift of the Cross." Peace to you my Sister in Christ...
Karen, I left out that I wrote "The Gift of the Cross" as part of a devotional I gave a few years ago in a "Soup Kitchen Ministry." Little did I know that it would one day form Seth's Eulogy during his Memorial Service....like you, I have long kept a journal of things, "Laid on my Heart."....vicki
Vicki, I have placed a little table and chairs under my dec, and this is the first morning I have taken my coffee cup and iPad down here. My thinking was that this would be my "blog spot."... That the sound of nature would clear my chaotic brain!! The first thing I read this morning was your comments. I couldn't get to your story fast enough!! Unfortunately, I can only pull up the first couple sentences on my iPad, so I am going up in a bit to read it on the computer. What I was able to do was to scroll down through all of your pictures, and some precious things you have kept in Seth's memory. I am at a loss for words. As I said, I feel as though I know him. I know he was a blessing beyond description. But I think it's fitting I am seeing his pictures this beautiful morning while listening to the birds sing. I know he is in a far more beautiful place, and that you will one day be with him forever. I will get to meet him one day, too, in person. Wow. Can't wait to read your beautiful story, and I am so very glad you journal!!! I am looking so forward to following it. I am so thankful God put you into my life!! Wow again!!:). Blessings to you sweet friend. Talk soon. (More coffee... A little "quiet time"... And then I'm going to read your story. Can't wait..)