"Pearl" Anniversary
Friday, June 10, 2011 at 10:51AM If James ever called me “Baby” or “Honey” we’d both either end up gagging or laughing ourselves into hysteria. That may be some couples (And it is; we know some of them), but it certainly isn’t us. Never has been. I think even when we we young we may have tried these terms on for size and realized they just didn’t fit us. I am not his “baby”, or his “honey,” although he has indeed “babied” me at times, and once in a blue moon I might have been sweet enough to be dubbed his “honey”, but I can’t remember him once calling me those things, nor have I ever once wanted him to. No. After 30 years it’s very clear. I’m his soul mate, worst headache, biggest problem, biggest fan, worst critic, passionate lover, nurse, helper, hinderer, partner, opponent, sister and wife in Christ, very, very, best friend. His heart. And he is mine. Forever. Good, bad, in-between. And he still calls me Karen. Just...Karen. James, do you take Karen to be your lawfully married wife...
In 30 years we’ve seen our share of marriages and divorces, marriages we never thought should have happened,, and marriages, even, if we were honest, we may have envied a little. Couples experiencing life, sometimes tragedy, and coming through it stronger. I don’t know that our bad times have made us stronger. Perhaps more determined. I have wanted my husband to hold my hand more often, hug me more, even in public. I have never doubted his love, even for a minute. I believe that he would gladly die for me, if given the choice. But I think if I could count the times I’ve cried over the years, most of the time I was alone, or at least, felt very much that way. It is the life we lead; circumstances so often chosen for us, even God’s call in our lives at times. I have ignored this call many times, and worse, I have been resentful when James hasn’t. And I think because we are so often put under a public microscope, I wonder what people think or see. This worry seed was planted in me long ago, when we were first married. Most people tend to believe the good. Far too many want to believe the bad.
James and I tend to either pull very closely together during trying times, or we pull very, very far apart. And so we have spent many hours in separate spaces, under the same roof, trying to do alone what in years past I firmly believed we’d have been better served doing together. But now I think it may have been God speaking to us each alone, protecting our words and hearts until we could come together again when the sun came out. I pray for God to change him, and God shows me the mirror.
I have so needed James‘ faith at times.. solid as a rock, mine so weak I feel like a fraud singing praise hymns in church, ...I surrender all...all to Him I owe... I don’t surrender easily. I will fight you to the death. Even if I know deep down I’m wrong. I’m thankful for the many times we have come together in prayer. James warm, firm hands gripping mine, deep voice in prayer for us all. I am safe there, secure in both God’s love, and in his. Our life is not perfect. It is perfect for us.
I asked him if he would do it all over again, knowing what he would say, but wanting to hear it. I don’t know if most women need this reassurance, but I confess that I do, more than I should. It may be his long hours away that caused this in me, but I think the idea that I came into this marriage this way is far closer to the truth. One day soon I will write about what really goes on in this house from day to day, which begins for James, and hence, for us all, at the quiet hour of 5 am. I listen to his intensity; see it when he’s warning us all of impending tornadoes. And know that deep down he feels far more than he reveals. Even to me sometimes. God wants me stronger. James has given me that.
I remember once hearing a heartbroken Princess Diana tell a reporter that there were “three of us” in her marriage. That it was “a bit crowded.” The most beautiful woman in the world rejected, tossed aside, unloved, except by strangers. A princess, who had everything, in the end, never really had the one thing she longed for so desperately all her life. And I cried for her like my heart would break when she died.
It’s clear to me that the difference is that there are three of us in my marriage also. God has been with us and central to our lives from the beginning, and it is He alone Who has held this silk thread together, making it strong enough to hold us, even when it may have seemed frayed and weakened beyond repair.
And so I thank Him for this gift that has lasted for 30 years, and counting. I believe that the very best years are ahead for James and me. We really do grow as we get older. I know our love does. Thank you, my husband, for this life we have together. You are so many things to me, although I don’t call you any of those things. Maybe because there exists no perfect word to describe what is in my heart. I Karen, take thee James...from this day forward...for always.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
Reader Comments (2)
Karen, beautifully written...sending you Blessings, Vicki Sanford
And, THIS is beautiful perfection.
(I knew I liked you for some reason...) ;)